Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Lost and Found

Lately, somehow all that energy for blogging has somehow disappeared for me...and that will to blog did not disappear for no reason...all I can say is that I was going through a period of seemingly darkness which drained me completely of getting in the mood or having the cofidance and courage to do anything...and for most of those days, I only hoped that I could sleep those problems away by hiding in the comfort of my bed and using jetlag as an excuse, but only later to wake up exhausted from a series of haunting dreams, which made me realize how unhappy I was...and dreading my eventual fate of working in an office completing mundane tasks...
Just when I thought my outlook on life had changed for the better and began believing that coming to New York was actually a much needed change in order to move on forward in the plan of things...I am beginning to feel,lately, that I am actually back where I started from...I have gained more academically, but I have not learned anything for personal growth...and suddenly I am in no mood for anything anymore...just like that feeling of nothingness from my previous blogs...the ideas that I struggled so hard to fight for have proven me wrong altogether...what I am fighting for? In the end, how many would appreciated it? no one. Where does all that stubborness lead to? nowhere, I guess...why can't I just take the obvious path, like everyone else? I really don't know. All I know is that I am exhausted hurt and lonely...but thinking back, if I had the chance to start all over again, I would still be me...so it seems I have lost my ideals and suddenly found myself back from the starting point...
Last week I received an e-mail from mr. Fry wondering whether I was still alive, a new year card from a long time friend wondering what I was up to and today "indiochink" mentioned that she got worried during our brief chat on msn and alice wondered why I stopped updating my blog...I assured them that I would continue blogging...but I just needed some time...time to come back to my daily routines...although I am well and alive, I feel very dead for the most part...when waiting for the train, I often find myself in an unconscious state of of staring into space, and just at that moment everything around me would disappear momentarily until an acquaintance approaches me, which brings my mind back to acknowledging my physical surrounding...and this has happened several times already...and I am going back to a state of self-doubt again...so I have lost focus, optimism and passion for anything I do...but I am sure it is only temporary and I have coviction that I will get out of it one day, and look back on it as just another phase in life, another regret added to my list of regrets...and I am sure ten years from now, I will look back and laugh at myself for being too serious and too emotional...but for now, this is how I am feeling and I just can;t help it...
Although some part of me is lost...the other day while cleaning out my overstuffed Louis Vuitton agenda, I found some fragments of my past which I thought was forever lost...it was a poem that I had written with a friend during the Sacred Heart years over coffee at secon Cup on Greene st. in Westmount...and reading that poem again made me wonder why I was so proud of it and what made me think that it was such a good piece of creative....reding it now, the poem just seemed immature with a hint of teenage rebelliousness..and that's all...yet I remember at the time when it was written I though it was great and therefore disappointed when I lost it, when in fact it has been with me all these years hiding in the pockets of my agenda...and that's how I now that ten years from now when I look back, I will be laughing at myself, but will probably be troubled by something else going into another phase in life whatever that might be...so through the different stages of out existence we lose somethings and find other things in the process...somethings lost are what we treasure the most and somethings found from the past my seem absurd, but in the very least, that absurdity is some proof of our existence, I believe...so here is that poem, Eternal Bliss, proof of my existence and proof that I was once rebellious and immature:

Eternal Bliss
Blissy! Blissa! Blisso!
Eternal Bliss
Drinking boiled hot Mochaccino
On a boiling hot day!
Talking endless hours on the phone
On a boring day,
Oppressing people and family
On boring days,
Lending our hands to the environment
Everyday,
Squishing bugs and flies till they burst
On Earth day,
Having philosophical debates with the old and wise
On a foggy day,
Jaywalking and causing traffic accidents
On a birdless day,
Only greeting people by their names
On Victoria day,
Always using the Lord's name in vain
On Sundays,
Worshipping and admiring Shakespeare's sonnets
On Shakespeare's birthday,
Making anonymous prank love phone calls
On Valentine's day,
Attending every mass
On every Tuesdays,
Bashing windows to show the need for lower taxes
On election day,
Scrubbing the floors till they shine
On mom bad-mood days,
Wasting cash on foolish things
On a foolish day,
Donating thousands to the charity
On Repentance Day,
Stealing snacks from the grade ones
On a hungry day,
Shopping for gifts at the Dollar store
On a Christmas Day,
Giving up our seats to the elderly
On their last few days,
Cherishing our Heritage
Yesterday,
Fighting for animal rights
On dissection day,
Eating healthy food
On sick days,
Torturing our pets
on Ped day,
Wrecking our parents' car and pretending our innocence
On PTA meeting day,
Studying all day long
On report card day,
Blocking the toilette
On cleaning day,
And these are the few things we do
On stupid days,
Eternal Bliss!
Blissy! Blissa! Blisso!

2 Comments:

Blogger chinoi said...

i suppose... it is quite difficult to work for a corporation when your motivation is not money...

11:18 AM  
Blogger mr. fry said...

How you doing? feeling better i hope.
anyway, i like what you do on mom bad-mood days. =)

9:04 PM  

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