Sunday, December 19, 2004

Leaving with...Excess Baggage...

Just when I thought that I was definitely ready to take a break from New York city, I suddenly felt saddened to leave, after an evening out with friends, friday night, before I leave for LA. And so maybe I was wrong, part of me didn't get tired of the city, and part of me still thought that it was good to be in NY.
Friday morning after an all-nighter of writing my final paper for Delanda's class, I headed to school after a three hour nap, to drop-off the paper...and that evening, Alice, James, Nick, John and I headed to Koreatown for dinner...and for me it was meaningful because I knew that my friends cared enough to thake the time to join me for dinner the night before I leave for Los Angeles...And the tea bath set that Alice bought me as an advance christmas present was beautiful and thoughtful...even John, who disappeared for most of the semester made the determination to show up for dinner before we all go our seperate way for the holidays...
Conversation over dinner was lighthearted and funny, a nice break from any depressing subject matter...we all knew that this was not the time to talk about our prsonal issues, as we would, over coffee at Starbucks...and so nothing serious with laughter and jokes...dinner at Wonjo, was followed by dessert and coffee over at Cafe Muse...and more carefree and lighthearted conversation ensued...we all joked that if ever I have a design office called Lilly Dee, James would help run my New York branch, John would run my LA branch, because he has the bling bling attitude that is suitable for the west coast, while James is more preppy chic, definitely more east cost...and strangely enough, a few days ago while chatting with Eric and Jimmy, they offered to run my Taiwan branch, haha...but I hardly think that will be the case...because I believe that all of them will be succesful architects one day with their own firms, afterall, they all seem to have that passion for architecture which I have lost and still cannot recover...but in some way, they have all inspired me to find that passion again and to realize that I am in architecture because I was once really passionate about it too, just like them...
That night as I got home, packing just seemed to take forever, and I realized that part of me didn't want to go back to LA...so while packing I found myself taking time to go back to the computer and login online to chat with friends...
That night Eric sent me a link to his online photo album where he uploaded the photos he took at MoMA...as I was browsing through the pgotographs, I had to admit to myself that they were beautiful and the framing was thoughfully composed...and that fuelled my curiosity to look through other photos which he had taken in the past...and there was one that left a deep impression...it was a close-up of a fall leaf siting on top of a hedge, on the bottom left corner, set against a blurry yet visible background of the Grand staircase leading to the main school library...and I was rather impressed...but the truth was, that I left the website with mixed feelings...
Oh the one hand there was admiration for Eric's series of succesful design projects and photography skills, and on the other, there was that slight feeling of envy... and for someone who is rarely envious of others...it was quite difficult to come to terms with the fact that I would be envious of another person's work and devotion seen through the work itself...I have always taken pride of my ability to find that certain balance that always keeps me in check so that I won't venture too far off in reality and gloat over my on work, thinking that I am good enough and leaving no room for improvement...I have always kept that cool distance from my design work, so that when the final product turns out well, I could be satisfied and if not, I will not be hurt either...however, I am beginning to wonder, lately, if keeping that balance is the right thing to do...and maybe that fear of failure has led me to keep that cool distance from my own work...and in the process, I have unconsciously driven out that 100% devotion that has led me to architecture six years ago...
And so that night, I was deeply troubled by this, contemplating whether I am heading down the right path by creating a safety net for myself...and maybe it's time to be both passionate and critical of one's on work, instead of developing a cold attitude towards my own design work... afterall, how much more time do I get to be a student...one more semester...and why not be daring once again and pour myself entirely over design? instead of hiding in that safety zone...I still don't know the answer, but I thought to myself that night, for the rest of the holiday, I will be thinking about this...and just when I thought that I could take a break from my uncontrallabe mind and issues, I find myself immersing myself into it all over again...and there will be no peace of mind, which I had hoped for...and I wonder if I will truely be taking a break from New York City when I will most likely be carrying those thoughts with me over to LA...will I be able to fully enjoy the the good life awaiting me in LA and Taiwan...I wonder...maybe it's time to be more critical of oneself in a diffrent way...I don't know...I really don't know...

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